so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
