i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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