ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
