youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
