i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
