My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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