are you still at the devil's house?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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