an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
