You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
