i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Randomize
