she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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