Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
