Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
