Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
