I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
