i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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