I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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