God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
