I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
