I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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