i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
