fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
