Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
