Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Randomize
