its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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