Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
