You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
