I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
