apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
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