My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
