eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
