if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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