my sisters under your porch take her home
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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