I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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