wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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