it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
