My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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