I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
So vagazzling was a success
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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