dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
