I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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