All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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