i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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