I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
