Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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