I cannot find my penis.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
