You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
