Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
