Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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