Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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