how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
