At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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