So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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