Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
