I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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