I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize