I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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