just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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