Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
