Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
