Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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