There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
