So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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