I accidentally had phone sex last night
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
