K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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