You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
