my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
