Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
